If only our teachers were this nice, part II.

If you want to add to the list or correct my mistakes (I make lots), email bvtsang@gmail.com.

1. Zwick: And you can't stop them because you're just an audience member. Now sometimes you hear someone shout out in the theater, "Don't go in there!" But they're just images on the screen; they usually don't listen to you.
2. Zwick: Oh, so you came back for your cellphone but not your Pride & Prejudice pages?
3. Zwick: Of course, a major theme in the book is...
   Class: Pride!
   Zwick: And another one is...
   Class: Prejudice!
   Zwick: Good. Of course, the toughest is the "and" theme.
4. Zwick: I ask so little out of life. All I want is a stool. And this podium's too far back!
5. Zwick: Okay, why am I so discombobulated today?
6. [A spider hangs in front of the board as Walker writes.]
   Walker: Wow. It looks like Tobey Maguire.
7. Jones: If we don't pay the debt, who gets screwed? US government, US individuals...foreigners! Yes!
8. Fris: The kids in Hamlet's brain are bringing sexy back.
9. Zwick: No, I have never been in the girls' bathroom.
10. Jones: I don't care what you kids do, you can put your thumbs up your ass and walk on your elbows. What, too graphic for you guys?
11. Connor: We have to write ot all of it?
    Jones: When you go to the grocery store, do you still sit in the cart?
12. Deborah: Patrick, how many times have you been kicked in the balls today? 'Cause I'd be willing to make that one.
    Jeffries: Okay. I'm gonna back off now or what she said will become reality.
13. Walker: I woke up this morning to get the paper and I found a note on the inside of the door. It said, "There was a murder last night. Please take care of the body." And I opened the door and there was a dead rat on the ground. Do you know why this is funny? My wife has performed thousands of autopsies and yet she can't bear to look at the corpse.
14. Class: You look like Johnny Depp, Mr. Jones.
    Jones: [looks at picture of Captain Jack Sparrow] Yeah, except I'm handsome.
15. Class: Mr. Jones has a Facebook group!
    Jones: [incredulously] I do?
16. Jones: Yes, you're 17 and a half, you're at that age where you know everything. I'm just an accessory.
17. Wong: Talk to Andrew Kim, you call that educated?
    Andrew: What?
    Wong: Nothing.
18. Deborah: They might've used condoms.
    Wong: Such language in front of Mr. Wong!
    Andrew: "Condoms" isn't a bad word, Mr. Wong!
    Wong: Andrew, how would you know?
19. Futala: I don't know how it is in female locker rooms. I haven't been in there.
20. Walker: I'll be at your doorstep.
    Connor: Failure.
    Walker: Metaphorically. I really won't be at your doorstep.
    Connor: Why not?
    Walker: 'Cause it'd be dangerous. Would you make dinner?
    Connor: Yes.
    Walker: Then for sure, I'm not coming.
21. Walker: Where's Gabriel?
    Class: Absent.
    Walker: That son of a bitch.
22. Jones: Did you hear about those Japanese suicide cults? Couple of kids met anonymously on the Internet, find a car, tape its windows, put a charcoal brazier inside, fire up the Barbie...and you're gone.
    Joseph: Did they at least have an orgy before they died?
23. Jamus: Abortion is illegal.
    Wong: Not if you can do it in your backyard!
24. Fris: All right, all right. There is an actual black person in the room. Try to calm down. I know this can be exciting for some of us whites. We don't get to see them that often. It's someone from another culture. There's something fundamentally threatening about that.
25. Zwick: So in this usage, "mean" refers to everyday things.
    Alis: Oh, like in math.
    Zwick: Yes.
    Deborah: Are you sure the median wouldn't be better?
    Zwick: The what?
    Deborah: Median. That's a math joke.
    Zwick: Oh, it's a math joke. I don't get math jokes.
26. Walker: There are two very important things in physics. Working problems is the first one. I forgot the second.
27. Jones: Ever got out of a ticket? I did. Cried like a baby. My mascara was running.
28. Walker: You know, I never have anyone to talk physics with. Maybe Akeson sometimes, or Navarro, they know some physics. But we usually crack dirty jokes when we meet.
29. Cal: Hey, Mr. Jones, what was the name of your band when you were a rock star?
    Jones: The Beatles.
30. Deborah: Are you circumcized?
    Ryan: I don't know what that is?
    Deborah: Do you know what foreskin is?
    Ryan: Yes.
    Deborah: Do you have one?
31. Lee-Ramirez: Who's your favorite—no, I shouldn't ask this. I'm going to do it anyway. Who's your favorite English teacher here at Marshall?
32. Futala: Many of you guys, for whatever reason, might get married.
33. Lee-Park: I have an extra credit opportunity, but it needs to be done over the weekend.
    Martin: Is it to babysit your kids?
    Lee-Park: You couldn't handle my kids.
    Martin: You don't know what I can handle, Ms. Lee-Park.
    Lee-Park: I want them alive, not duct-taped.
34. Nari: [sarcastically] I'm taking my dog to prom.
    Montana: Use protection.
35. Jones: There are eighth graders visiting today. Guys, met your prom dates?
36. Jones: Sequestration. Another nice long word to use in Yahtzee.
    Deborah: You don't use words in Yahtzee!
    Jones: Scrabble. There we go.
37. Walker: I won't have a funeral.
    Connor: They'll just throw you off.
    Walker: I'll have my ashes dropped off a plane. The ashes will scatter everywhere...but the center of mass will fall straight down!
38. Wong: Brian, did you get into Berkeley?
    Brian: Yes.
    Wong: Did you get into Princeton?
    Brian: I didn't apply there.
    Wong: Don't give me that.
39. Brownell: I'm going to bring my hose to beat you guys. It's a hose I beat my dogs with.
    Student: You beat your dogs?
    Brownell: Only on the rear end.
    Students: Animal Cruelty!
    Brownell: Well too bad...it's gonna happen here.
40. Brownell: Are you guys talking again?
    Dylan: Does it look like we're talking?
    Brownell: No, but you're like this: [smiles]
    Cameron: I like to smile at him. He makes me happy. Dylan, hold my hand.
41. Brownell: Can you turn around?
    Parker: I was looking at his banana, it's okayyy.
42. Walker: Do you want to know why I wore this?
    Class: Yes.
    Walker: I knew that someone would wear a suit: Brian. And I will not be outdone.
    Gabriel: But what if someone wore a tuxedo?
    Walker: Then I'd wear spandex.
43. Student: Mrs. Brownell, can I go to the bathroom?
    Brownell What is it with me and the bathroom? Why does everybody have to pee when they see me?
44. Brownell: I can't take it anymore. Chew on your tennis jacket.
    Cameron: It's in my car!
    Brownell: Go get it!
    Cameron: Can I get a pass?
45. Brownell: Everything is spinning. My computer isn't working. No, it's just I'm spinning.
    Student: Are you stoned?
    Brownell: No, I'm not stoned!
    Cameron: "Jesus was stoned. Elvis liked to get stoned." ...I love Mr. Jones.
46. Brownell: Who's gonna bring food?
    Dylan: I have a belly button.
    Cameron: Mmm...[rubs tummy]...a belly button! I have dibs on that.
47. Brownell: Be quiet or I'll throw my wig off and start screaming!
    Student: I'll wear your whig!
    Brownell: I don't want your ugly head in my whig.
48. Wong: What's the rule number one for Chinese?
    Kristina: Get into UCLA!
    Wong: No, that's Japanese!
49. Zwick: You guys sound like you're full of life and energy. I'll take care of that.
50. Walker: I knew I drank too much because it would have no effect on me. Some people get drunk and beat their wives. I didn't need to drink for that.
51. Walker: Oscillations. That's what this is called. Now what does "osculation" mean? Kisses.
    Class: Aww!
    Robert: I'd rather learn that.
    Walker: I minored in it!
52. Deborah: I wrote "Scripps" on my right foot and "Brandeis" on my left. Schools that rejected me. So I can walk on them!
53. Christine: I'm like, "Put your arms around me, I'm your woman" and was like—[imitates]
    Deborah: She said your woman, not your mother!
54. Ryan: You're not my mother anymore! You're my wife! You do what I tell you!
55. Futala: A cake? What kind of cake? I don't like cake. But anyway, I don't like cakes.
56. Walker: But v squared is—[pause]—what the hell am I doing? [pause] I don't know.
57. Jones: They're making a sequel: 301.
58. Wong: Those freshmen are the real losers. You're just wannabe losers.
59. Malek: Is this your current husband?
    Lee-Park: I only have one husband.
    Malek: I thought he was white?
    Lee-Park: He's Korean.
60. Jones: Okay, we have a quiz the day before tomorrow and another one the day after yesterday.
61. Jones: Would you all talk at the same time please? Thanks.
62. Eliza: Why does saying "I'm a lonely girl" sound like you spend nights with your vibrator?
63. Eliza: Dude, I love being randomly racist like, "Hey you, four eyes!"
64. Diamond: Ooh, I don't have a brain. I have a dick and I do whatever it tells me to!
65. Rhonda: Edward Scissorhands? I loved that movie. It made me wanna cut grass.
66. Jones: You're screwed, that's the conclusion.
67. Wong: We should all be elephants.
68. Walker: I was involved in a sexual harassment suit, I'm sorry to say. But I eventually decided to drop charges against her.
69. Lee-Park: "I hang around this person because our parents were friends." That's okay. "I hang around this person because he's white." Is that okay?
    Brian: It depends.
    Lee-Park: It depends?
    Malek: How white?
70. Jones: Where's the answer? Write shit down, write shit down, write shit down...great, I got it.
71. Deborah: Wait, Brian Tsang! You just made a sex joke! High five!
72. Wong: Do men have cycles? Sure they do. It's called football on Mondays.
73. Wong: Males and females have different anatomies, I believe. Malek, did you know that?
74. Jones: Well, we don't have a specific Nazi party. What do we have instead?
    Martin: Republicans!
75. Walker: I was born in 1935. That's ridiculous! Is that before or after the French Revolution?
76. Walker: Before this semester is over, I will tell you the kissing up story of the century. At least last century. It was a masterpiece.
77. Walker: Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Not all things are beautiful. You should see my friend's wife.
78. Walker: So I had my physical, and my blood pressure is good, blood sugar 96, checked this morning, and I can swim a mile, and I have all you kids to harass everyday. What more could you want?
79. Walker: I'm getting emotional...[fake sniffs]...because I'm missing the money!
80. Martin: Mr. Wong, I have a question.
    Wong: Yes?
    Martin: What's a pirate's favorite statistical inference? Rrrr...squared!
81. Walker: So I fell and hit the brick so I have a gash on my knee. But fortunately, my wife is an MD. I didn't let her touch it.
82. Jones: Extra credit for panhandling.
83. Wong: Guys. That time of month when girls are mad at you. Something to do with menstrual cycle? Don't know. Iliana, you look mean today.
84. Jones: There's a prostitute on campus now. She has a pimp. They go behind the bungalows over there.
    Frederick: How much is it?
85. Walker: I have to leave for Florida for a couple of days.
    Montana: Why Florida?
    Walker: Something about a DNA sample for Anna Nicole Smith.
86. Zwick: In the old days, there was no free verse poetry. If you wanted to be a poet, you had to pretty much follow the rules. Otherwise, you'd be, you know, shot. That's why they had executioners for.
87. Zwick: How'd we get off on that? Oh yeah, French. See, that's stream of consciousness, guys.
88. Jones: You girls stop talking. I'll have to separate you: one outside, one on the roof.
89. Walker: Arrogance is never in short supply in my family. We like to call it confidence.
90. Walker: I had a great summer. It's so great that I'm not going to tell you about it so that you won't get jealous.
91. Walker: The least satisfying way to do physics problems is to watch other people do it. It's like sex. [pause] Hey, I can [say this] because I'm offtrack.
    Montana: Would it make any difference if you were on track?
    Walker: No.
92. Walker: Put your nose right next to a spinning wheel and you will tell that it has energy.
    Connor: Potential.
    Walker: No, kinetic!
93. Joseph: You could bombard one side of the earth with 500 hydrogen bombs, then it'd be flat.
    Jones: I'm sorry I've ever gone to that subject.
94. Martin: Imagine a war between fetuses and humans.
    Cal: Wait, what?
95. Walker: We all have expectations. I expect my lunch to be made when I get home.
    Connor: Or else?
    Walker: Or else I have to make it! C'mon! I'm a married man!
96. Walker: Rocket science is like the mustard on the sandwich of physics.
97. Walker: Where is the potential energy zero?
    Connor: Wherever you put it.
    Walker: That's good! That's good. That's a bad question. No, you did good for once, Bescos.
98. Walker: My wife is eager to cook lunch for us.
    Connor: Why?
    Walker: If she's that dumb, let her do it!
99. Walker: Oh! Oh! Oh! Oooh! Shut up. Shut your face.
100. Cal: Mr. Jones, I can't tell the difference between interstate and intrastate.
     Jones: You've taken the SATs, right?
     Cal: Yeah, but I—
     Jones: Here, you teenagers should know this: intercourse.
     Cal: Intracourse?
     Chase: You could, but it wouldn't be that satisfying.