JMHS Quote Archive

Jones: Yeah, see if you can get Mark Foley. Text him.
Brownell: There's no paper anywhere? Oh my gosh! How are we supposed to pee?
Connor: Are they on the AP test?
Wong: Maybe. Maybe on my AP test.
Fris: I heard a vicious rumor that you were nice to Miss Lee-Park.
Deborah: It's a lie!
Walker: Judges are more powerful than teachers. I can't hold you in contempt. Well...heh heh, I guess I can.
Jones: There's a boys and girls category for favorite teacher.
Martin: Which category are you in, Mr. Jones?
Walker: So I got another accelerometer for my car. I stole it, then later I brought it back. It was a plastic box with blue water.
Roger: Were there fish in it?
Walker: Those are the only things I permit. You may talk about your love life. You may talk about the prom. Just don't put them together.
Brian: Did I tell you about the time I was dragged into a lingerie store?
Deborah: No.
Brian: Well, I was. The end.
Bela: Why didn't you buy anything?
Deborah: You mean you've never met an FTM [female-to-male]?
Jones: Uh...um...we're not talking about that.
Andrew: Law and Order is true!
Jones: Oh, you guys, shut up!
Jones: Porsches are mid-engine.
Connor: Rear-engine.
Jones: Mid-engine.
Connor: Rear-engine.
Jones: Bring one in, we'll take a look.
Jones: Grow gills. Extra credit.
Martin: I drink it, Mr. Jones.
Jones: Echo Park water?
Martin: Yeah. I go down there all the time...take a little straw...
Jones: Like a kitty cat!
Fundukian: You're using Turkish yarn in my classroom?
Deborah: Oops. Sorry. If it helps, I bought it in Glendale.
Fundukian: I'm just going to fill up my Nazi coffee mug.
Connor: We're doing this together so why aren't we facing each other?
Frederick: Yes! Circle time! [Jumps up, but no one else responds or moves. Fred dejectedly sits down.]
Deborah: Martin, Flannery doesn't suit you. That's 'cause you're too busy thinking about yourself.
Martin: What? I can't hear you.
[Music plays loudly from Andrew's headphones. Joseph pats Andrew's back and raises his thumbs up.]
Joseph: Turn it up!
Andrew: [looks around] Oh crap! [turns volume down]
Lee-Park: Okay, you're all witnesses. We're all gonna dogpile Nico if he doesn't bring it back.
Andrew: Hit that!
Lee-Park: I didn't know you were swung that way.
Walker: Without arguing, I didn't get the problems! That's why I encourage arguing. That's why I encourage Connor to argue. Well...I don't need to encourage him.
Walker: Any questions? Yes, Connor.
Connor: [is about to ask, but stops]
Darby: Excellent question!
Walker: And I'm stumped for an answer.
Walker: There are three possible reasons why it's called a cellphone. One, it was invented in prison so inmates could talk to one another. No. Two, the cellphone itself is like a cell, with a battery and all. Third...does anyone know the reason why?
Connor: It's short for cellular.
Walker: You know, Connor, the more I know you, the more I can't stand you.
Walker: Hey, shut up! How can you listen to my joke if you don't shut up?
Brian: You're not afraid of your sweater getting dirty?
Mhaye: For art, I don't care if it's dirty.
Brian: Oooh.
Mhaye: That doesn't apply to sex...no wait, it does.
Lee-Park: See, Martin, you've set yourself up for failure. What do you get for beating a handicapped child?
Cal: He's a dick.
Walker: Say you go to the doctor to take out your appendix and he takes out your spleen. It makes no sense to say, "This is what I meant."
Connor: That's why there's insurance.
Jones: Extra credit. Go to Ford's Theater. That's in Washington. Jump off the balcony, break your ankle…
Walker: I heard that 9 out of 10 teenagers are inadvertently exposed to pornography. Raise your hands if that's true. [hands raise in back of class] Will you leave the websites on my desk please?
Walker: That is good! I normally don't allow students to make jokes!
Chase: I want you to write the name of the most beautiful person in the world, not including yourself. [pause] Now I want you to write the name of the second most beautiful person in the world. [pause] Now write the name of the most hideous person you can possibly imagine. [pause] Blaise, who is number one?
Blaise: Osama bin Laden.
Chase: Um...great! And who is number two?
Blaise: Saddam Hussein.
Chase: And who is last?
Blaise: George W. Bush.
Wong: He can't get a B, he'll be disowned by his family. He won't be Robert Goldberg anymore, he'll be Robert, uh, Messex.
Cal: Why would Bela's parents take him in?
Wong: Okay, you take him.
Fris: Come on, that's just fun. Vagina jokes are fun. What, Ryan? You're just jealous. You wish you had a vagina.
Fris: There's yet another vagina joke.
Ophelia: 'Tis brief, my lord.
Hamlet: As a woman's love.
Fris: Oh, you got served!
Fris: All vagina, all the time!
Fris: That's yet another vagina joke! 'Cause if you think about it, the vagina is kind of hidden while the penis is out there! "Nothing" is a vagina joke.
Jones: My wife has been run over by a car. Couldn't hear it!
Deborah: ...Like even when we left out cookies and beer [for Santa Claus]—
Zwick: Beer?!
Deborah: Yeah.
Zwick: Wow. You were nice to Santa.
Jones: Races. I guess Hispanics didn't exist before then.
Fris: Are you comfortable with this?
Deborah: Yeah, I'm okay with it.
Michael: My self-esteem is just burgeoning!
Deborah: Just pretend I'm a guy.
Michael: Oh, yeah, just say that in front of the whole class!
Deborah: I'm sorry, I thought you were out!
Fris: It's not like it's a secret...he was the last to know!
Michael Oh, thanks.
Deborah: My mom was saying it in the fifth grade!
Fris: It's acting! I can only direct you. You have to do it. I can't get up there and grope Deborah.
Fris: Sorry, I'll pay for the first year of therapy.
Augustin: ...and then Mr. Fris touched me—
Fris: And the class laughed!
Deborah: Are you going in the front or the back?
Fris: No, no no, not from behind.
Lee-Park: Edgar Allan Poe wrote about dark and depressing things because his life was dark and depressing.
Jamus: Emo.
Fris: It's your final grade, not mine. I already dropped out of high school.
Jones: What's your first lesson in kindergarten?
Montana: "Wipe"?
Class: Mr. Walker, I think it's supposed to be cosine.
Walker: No! [changes angle and keeps cosine] Put that in your pipe and smoke it!
Jones: [in an old lady's voice] "Hey, you mind if I smoke?" [in Jones' voice] "No, you mind if I fart?"
Walker: Connor, I wish I had a son like you. No, really, I do. Because I could beat the crap out of you. Only the police will have something to say.
Walker: Connor, do you know what you do to a Christmas turkey?
Connor: What?
Walker: Stuff it.
Wong: Oh, ninth graders must be doing the drugs.
Robert: Are you the flower child today?
Deborah: No, it was for a play.
Robert: Did you get raped [in the play]?
Andrew: Can I see?
Montana: Did you tell the couple [joke]?
Walker: Oh! Yeah, have you heard that one? Do you want me to tell it?
Montana: Sure, go ahead.
Walker: Okay, a Chinese couple have a Caucasian baby. The father gets very mad. He tells his wife, "Two Wongs don't make a White!" [class laughs a little] I like it.
Montana: Yeah, me too.
Walker: Did I tell you aobut the pregnant lady who ran into her doctor? Okay. This woman who's pregnant runs into her doc. She says, "Doctor, Doctor! I heard every fifth baby born is Chinese! And this is my fifth baby!"
Wong: Girls, work! All these men, violent men. Go to college where's there no violent men. They're all compassionate and, and sensitive.
Wong: You have gun, I have machine gun. You have grenade, I have mortar shell.
Martin: God bless America.
Wong: I smell a tree diagram.
Wong: Death — or, in this case, marriage.
Martin: Mr. Wong, do you hibernate over the vacation?
Wong: Yes, I go to my crypt and lay like this [hands crossed over chest] and I watch out for spikes and garlic. I don't eat garlic because it might kill me.
Walker: Heaven for me is a classroom of you people, where I can say whatever I want all day long. We'll talk physics, literature, poetry, tell dirty jokes...I can't do it. Well, I could.
Fundukian: Oh my god, I so need to mock you now!
Fundukian: For those of you who haven't heard of Hitler — because you've lived in a cave — he's some dead white guy.
Walker: I don't care what I say. They can't fire me.
Walker: It's my prerogative as a teacher, Montana, to waste as much time as I want.
Walker: So what's the point? Both of my wives were completely by accident.
Connor: How long is the test?
Walker: Eight and a half by eleven.
Tim: You said you don't give tests on Mondays!
Walker: I lied.
Jones: Aaron Burr blew out the brains of the Federalist party. Extra credit if you go through a duel.
Jones: [moving only one eye] Cross your eyes. Now look to one side. Try it. These are skills acquired at the high school level.
Fris: Can you not read it like you're coming?
Fris: Forture or good luck is a bit of a slut. She'll go out with anyone. One day I'm lucky, next day you're lucky…
Fris: Okay, very soon the vagina will be mentioned. Let's get out our vag-o-meters, turn them up.
Matt: So how 'bout that vagina?
Fris: Right, there's three boys together. Sooner or later they're gonna talk about vaginas.
Wong: [points at his own class] Do you know any of them?
Chase: I know many people. They're a brilliant group of kids. If they fail, it's probably the teacher's fault.
Robert: Dude, the pencil shavings in the pencil sharpener are normally distributed!
Walker: Gabriel, you got 99% on your test, I'm sorry to say. I looked hard for a reason not to give you 100%, and I got it.
Walker: Lousy teacher. Well, you're stuck with me. As long as they pay me $65 an hour and as long as I can keep them fooled.
Darby: I have a dictionary right here. [points at his head]
Walker: [squinting] I see a lot of blank pages.
Walker: This is the worst dictionary. You have to strive to be this bad.
Wong: What is this word that we need to know?
Cal: Personal pizza.
Wong: Pizza. Pizza is good.
Fris: I didn't make you a director--
Deborah: 'Cause I'm a bitch?
Fris: Because you have poor social skills.
Deborah: So I should not ask you for a college recommendation letter?
Fris: I will remain your God.
Michael: Does that make Ing Jesus?
Fris: I guess so.
Deborah: What kind of Jew are you?
Jones: Here's a newspaper. Anyone need women's underwear?
[Frederick's hand shoots up]
Alec: 'Cause I live out in San Bernardino.
Martin: [sarcastically] Yeah, I live in Bel-Air.
Jamus: Encino.
Andrew: Skid row. We could go chill in my box.
Fundukian: Who needs a planner? No one wants an extra one for their...relatives?
Jones: If you were running for office, would you go out and steal your opponent's signs off lawns?
Walker: My wife laughed at everything I did. That's why we never had kids.
Walker: Who rules the universe? That depends on your ideological and philosophical beliefs. Gabriel can tell you that. [Darby points at himself] No, Darby, no, Darby, when you will learn from last year that you'll never win?
Darby: I like to dream.
Walker: That's okay. Keep doing that.
Walker: Oh no! I'm not gonna answer a "Why is it" question. Oh no. Why aren't apples blue?
Alec: I don't know.
Walker: Was I frightened the first time I had sex? Yes, it was dark and I was all alone!
Martin: It says 14% of Americans couldn't even find their own country on the map.
Jones: How do they get home?
Walker: A bowling ball is a perfect sphere, right? Got ya, it's got finger holes.
Jones: This guy sucks. He can't farm. He's naturally driven out of the market. Remember the invisible hand? He's being bitchslapped by the invisible hand.
Walker: Do you know Hamlet's soliloquy? To be or not to be, that is consumption. No, to be or not to be, that is congestion. Then there will be consumption.
Lee-Park: Sects. Not sex, sects. S-E-C-T-S.
Walker: Did he say no? Is that so? Man, he's got balls.
Ann: Is that a V or a U?
Walker: That's a U. V's have sharp bottoms.
Walker: There's a bug on my collar? How big is it? Big enough to eat?
Walker: I don't like Sudoku for two reasons. The first is that I'm not good at it. The second is that I can't seem to find an algorithm for it. I mean, it's just try and try; I've tried that for girls and it never seems to work.
Jones: Extra credit.
Class: What?
Jones: Bring in a cake for Jones!
Jones: Wifebeaters! Let's talk about them.
Nari: Do you like children?
Jones: I love children. They're delicious.
Jones: What's Bruce Lee's favorite drink? [reveals shirt and poses] Wataaaaaaaah!
Walker: This is the first time I've worn jeans and a tie. I saw Tommy Lee Jones do it in The Fugitive and said, "Damn, that looks sexy!" Well, I looked into the mirror and dang, it didn't work.
Kristina: Did you cry?
Wong: No, I'm not sentimental about giving F's.
Lee-Park: The Village, definitely. I watched it when I was in labor with my fourth child.
Brian: Sleep for three years. Wake up, eat nonstop for one day, sleep for another three years.
Gideon: That's called a coma.
Walker: Don't question my basic physics. I know it sounds a bit boastful, and it may be boastful, but you can't fight the truth.
Walker: I don't know what to call that force. Let's call it F U. Upward force.
Nico: How tall was Napoleon?
Fundukian: He was about 5'3".
Deborah: Are you as tall as Napoleon?
Fundukian: No!
Walker: I rub my toothbrush on the bar of soap, and then I brush my teeth.
Alec: That's like brushing your teeth with soap!
Walker: Exactly, you F'-in A!
Jones: Jeffries' world of grading is worse. His pile of essays is huge...er.
Frederick: Who's Catholic? I have a lot of questions.
Jones: Economists assume that people are rational. They haven't seen a 99 cents store.
Walker: Everyone I know is married. My wife is married. Even my mom and dad are married.
Walker: You know about [frigate birds]? Lots of birds migrate south for the winter, and they land in various bodies of water along the way. The frigate bird is very picky. They look at different spots and go, "No, no, frig' it!"
Robert: Did you major in Economics?
Jones: Yeah.
Connor: Why?
Robert: What about your minor?
Jones: Business.
Tim: Why aren't you in business?
Jones: Look at me.
Walker: Don't argue with me. You will lose. Do you know why? I will simply stop talking and say, "You lose!" I haven't lost an argument in 45 years.
Walker: Why am I teaching you all this Latin business? 'Cause I teach ya whatever I feel like teaching ya! Nobody in the school knows what I teach! I love it when the school administrators come in and nod their heads and I'm like, 'You dumb bastards!'
Walker: I speak six languages. The hardest one is physics.
Walker: You don't have to laugh. It's not required, unless you want your grade.
Lee-Park: As long as it's legible and it doesn't make me dyslexic.
Chase: Corn beef and Snickers for forty days. That's a major case of constipation.
Walker: [as bell rings] Have a great weekend! Clean your room! Be kind to your parents!
Lee-Park: We have a double in this class: Robert. I mean, you both look different!
Robert Goldberg: Usually we don't have that problem because when people call out my name, I don't respond.
Walker: But you can do at least something on every problem, right? If you can't do the homework, you're dead. D-E-D, defunct.
Walker: What if you say 'What if I don't need to do the homework because I'm so damned smart?' Then the answer is not 'No.' It's 'Hell no!'
Walker: Where's Kobler?
Class: He's not taking physics.
Walker: Shit.